How many Scotsmen does it take to change a light bulb?
Och! It's no auw that dark!
A Scotsman is working at a sewerage. It's a warm day, so he takes off his jacket and drapes it over a handrail - where it slips off into a vast tank of poo!
He's just about to dive in when his mate shouts "It's nae guid tae do that, the jacket's ruined"
He replies "Aye, ah ken, but ma sandwiches are in the pocket"
A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?" The boy says "I play the part of the Scottish husband!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."
Jock's wife Maggie went to the doctor complaining of pains in the stomach. The doctor told her it was 'just wind'. "Just wind?" she screamed at him. "It was just wind that blew down the Tay Bridge!"
TherA young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall,holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.
Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. The the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well,noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"
Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called"Tickets, please!" and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats. The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots' ingenuity. On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other. Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen's stall and called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door
When Jock moved to London he constantly annoyed his English acquaintances by boasting about how great Scotland was.
Finally, in exasperation, one said, "Well, if Scotland's so marvelous, how come you didn't stay there?"
"Well," explained Jock "they're all so clever up there I had to come down here to have any chance of making it at all".
Jock and a Englishman were flying from Edinburgh when the stewardess approached.
"May I get you something?" she asked.
"Aye, a whusky" Jock replied.
She poured him a drink then asked the Englishman if he'd like one.
"Never!" he said sternly. "I'd rather be raped and ravished by whores all the way to America than drink whisky!"
Jock hurriedly passed the drink back, saying "Och, Ah didna ken there wuz a choice!"
Jock finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial problems. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help.
"God, please help me. Ah've lost ma wee store and if Ah dinna get some money, Ah'm going to lose my hoose too. Please let me win the lottery!"
Lottery night! Someone else wins...
Jock prays again. "God, please let me win the lottery! Ah've lost my wee store, ma hoose and Ah'm going to lose ma car as weel!"
Lottery night again! Still no luck... Jock prays again.
"Ah've lost ma business, ma hoose and ma car. Ma bairns are starving. Ah dinna often ask Ye for help and Ah have always been a good servant to Ye. PLEASE just let me winthe lottery this one time so Ah can get back on ma feet!"
Suddenly there is a blinding flash as the heavens open and the voice of God Himself thunders: "Jock at least meet Me half way and buy a ticket!"
Jock was traveling by train seated next to a stern-faced clergyman. As Jock pulled out a bottle of whisky from his pocket the clergyman glared and said reprovingly, "Look here, I am sixty-five and I have never tasted whisky in my life!"
"Dinna worry, Minister," smiled Jock, pouring himself a dram. "There's no risk of you starting now!"
A very popular scotsman dies in glasgow and his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once so she goes to the newspaper and says "I'd like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband."
The man at the desk says "OK, how much money dae ye have?"
The old woman replies "$5" to which the man says "You wont get many words for that but write something and we'll see if it's ok."
So the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter and the man reads "Peter Reid, fae Parkheid, deid."
He feels guilty at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the old woman to write a few more things. The old woman ponders and then adds a few more words and hand the paper over the counter again.
The man then reads "Peter Reid, fae Parkheid deid. Ford Escort for sale"
Sandy was drinking at a pub all night. When he got up to leave, he fell flat on his face. He tried to stand again, but to no avail, falling flat on his face. He decided to crawl outside and get some fresh air to see whether that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and, sure enough, fell flat on his face. So, being a practical Scot, he crawled all the way home.
When he got to the door, he stood up yet again, but fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door into his bedroom. When he reached his bed, he tried once more to stand upright. This time he managed to pull himself to his feet but fell into bed. He was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He woke the next morning to his wife shaking him and shouting, "So, ye've been oot drinkin' as usual!" "Why would ye say that?" he complained innocently.
"Because the pub called an' ye left yer wheelchair there again!"
A woman is looking to re-enter the work force, now that her kids are all grown up. But before applying anywhere she goes tae the doctors' fae a wee physical before takin' oan a new joab. When she returns her hubby notices she's just bustin' wi' pride and all chuffed.
So he says; "What's all this about?"
She says, "I've just been tae the doctors' and he said I've got the body of a twenty year old, and the heart of a 16 year old".
To which her hubby fires back..."What about your 50 year old ass?"
"Your name never came up." She replies!
Irate golfer, on his way to a round of 150: "You must be the worst caddie in the world!"
Scottish caddie (dryly): "That would be too much of a coincidence, sir."
Jock was digging peat at his croft when a passing American tourist asks, "How much land do you have here?"
"About two acres" Jock replies.
"You know back home it takes me a day to drive around my ranch !" the American boasts.
"Aye", says Jock " I once had a car like that."
A plane was shot down over Iraq and Saddam Hussain captured a Scotsman,an Englishman and an Australian. Saddam says "I'm not as cruel as George Bush says I am You will be given 50 lashes each but you can have whatever you want on your back"
The Australian goes first and asks for the finest Kangaroo hide there is to cover his back. This is granted and he receives the kangaroo hide before he receives 50 lashes. His back is all torn and bleeding but he survives.
The Englishman says "I will take it as it comes I will have nothing on my back and will be proud to bear the scars" he shouts defiantly"Stiff upper lip you know eh what" His wish is granted and he receives his 50 lashes, his back torn and bleeding, his ribs fractured and protruding, a terrible mess to behold.
"Now Jock It's your turn you have the same choice as the other two what would you like on your back" says Saddam.
Jock replies quickly and without hesitation "I'll have the Englishman"
A Scot is the only man on earth who would step over the bodies of a dozen bronzed naked beauties just to get to a glass of whiskey.
A Glaswegian stops before a graveyard in a Gorbals cemetery, and notices a carved tombstone declaring,
"Here lies a lawyer and an honest man..."
"Ach, who'd ever think..." he murmered, "there'd be enough room fer two men in that one wee grave..."
How do you disperse an angry Scottish mob?
Nae bother - just take up a collection.
3 guys, 1 Irish, 1 English and 1 Scotch, are walking along the beach one day and come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.
The Irish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity."
So, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlKaZoom" the oceans were teaming with fish.
The English guy was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that nothing will get in for all eternity.
Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlkaZoom - POOF" there was a huge wall around England. The Scot asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."
The Scot says, "Ach, fill it up with water."
What do you call a Scots woman with one leg?
Eileen.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were standing looking at a prize cow in a field.
The Englishman says "Look at that fine English cow."
The Irishman disagreed, saying "No, it's an Irish cow."
The Scotsman thought for a moment and then clinched the argument. "No, it's a Scottish cow - it's got bagpipes underneath!"
Jock decided to call his father-in-law the "Exorcist" cuz every time he came to visit he made the spirits disappear!
How do you get a Highlander onto the roof?
Tell him the drinks are on the house.
Nowadays the Scots do not play bagpipes to frighten their enemies, they do it to annoy their neighbours.
A Guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus on a stool and announces that this is a very talented octopus, which can play any musical instrument in the world.
Everyone laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he says that he'll wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.
A guy walks up with a guitar and puts it beside the octopus. Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Eric Clapton. The guitar man pays up his $50.
Another guy comes up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays like Miles Davis.
This guy pays his $50.
Then a Scotsman hands over a set of bagpipes. The octopus fumbles with it for a minute and then sits down with a confused look.
"Ha," the Scot says. "Can ye no play it?" The Octopus looks at him and says: "Play it? I'm going to make love to it as soon as I figure out how to get these pyjamas off..."
What do you call six weeks of rain in Scotland?
Summer!
A Scots pessimist is a man who feels badly when he feels good for fear he'll feel worse when he feels better.
A Scotsman visited London for his annual holiday and stayed at a large hotel. However, he didnae feel that the natives were friendly. "At 4 o'clock every morning," he told a friend, "they hammered on my bedroom door, one the walls, even on the floor and ceiling. Heck, sometimes they hammered so loud I could hardly hear myself playing the bagpipes."
Every Scotsman's fantasy is to have two women....one cleaning, the other dusting...
A Scottish fitba fan told his mate, "My dug watches all the games. When my team wins it jumps up and doon and claps its wee paws. When we lose it somersaults."
"Yer Kiddin me right? How many somersaults?" asked his impressed friend.
The Fitba fan replied, "depends how often I kick it..."
Did ye hear about the Scotsman who married a girl born on February the 29th so he'd only have to buy her a birthday present every four years?
"Ah, Kyla, drinking makes you look so bonnie."
"But Donald, I dinna drink!"
"But I do!"
McManus donates a lot of money to charity but likes to remain anonymous. He even forgets to sign his name on the cheques.
Three scots and three englishmen are traveling by train to a football match.
At the station, the three englishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three scots buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three Englanders.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the Scotsmen.
They all board the train. The Englishmen take their respective seats but all three scotsmen cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the tolet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The English saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Englishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed Englishman. "Watch and you'll see," says one of the Scotsmen. When they board the train the three Scots cram into a toilet and the three Englishmen cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Scots leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Englishmen are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
Why do pipers march when they play ?
To get as far away from the noise as possible.
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Scottish version of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside Scotland. If you have one of the Scottish editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The Scottish edition may be recognised by the opening screen. It reads: WINDAES 98, Ye Ken, with a picture of William Wallace superimposed on a St. Andrew's Cross, shipped with a Mel Gibson screen saver. If you have a copy of WINDAES 98, you will need to know the following:
Recycle Bin is called "The Bucket." My Computer is called "Yon Computer Thingie."
Dialup Networking is called "Phone the Bhoys."
Control Panel is known as the "Dashboard."
Settings are called "sittins."
Programs are described as "stuff whit daes stuff."
Documents are termed "stuff whit I hive done afore."
Hard Drive is referred to as "the Tractor."
Floppies are referred to as "yon wee plastic dusc things."
In addition, you will find some commands in WINDAES 98 have been slightly altered:
OK = "'ats fine"
Cancel = "na na ma loon"
Reset = "Och ye'd be as weel startin agin"
Yes = "Och aye"
No = "nae chunce mon"
Find = "if ye'd bothered to pit it past in a safe place, ye widnae need to be lookin' for it noo, noo wid ye?"
Go to = "go'n ower 'ere"
Back = "back the wye"
Help = "geese a haun'"
Stop = "packit in"
Start = "com on 'en"
Some features exclusive tae WINDAES 98:
Pincil an paper.....A word processor
Colourin book.......A Graphics program
Addin machine.......Calculator
Andrex..............Notepad
Jukebox.............CD player
Photies.............A graphics viewer
Massey..............Tractor dealers listed by Post Code (Scotland only)
Car.................See previous entry
Tax Records.........usually an empty file
Other features: WINDAES 98 does not recognise capital letters or punctuation marks.
We regret any inconvenience caused if you received a copy of the Scottish edition. Please return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.
Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that's come off of me fly? I canna button me pants."
"Oh Angus...I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it."
About 5 minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling down the stairs. Walking back in the door with a blackend eye and a bloody nose comes Angus.
The little lady looks at him and says "My God, what happened to ya? Did you ask her like I told you?"
"Aye" says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button and she did. Everything was goin' fine but when she bent down to bite off the wee thread...Mr. MacDonald walked in..."
A Scotsman and an Englishman were leaning against the counter in a store when a bandit walked in and brandished his gun.
The Scot, a quick thinker, hauled out his money and handed it to his English friend. He said, Here's the ten dollars you lent me."
A sales rep's car breaks down in the Scottish highlands. He sees a farmer and asks him where he can find a mechanic.
"Och none of them aroond here laddie," says the farmer, "We're all McDonalds."
A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a considerable amount of whisky at a local pub. As he staggered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, with his back against a tree.
As he slept, two young lasses walked down the road and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly. They saw him, and one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt." She boldly walked over to the sleeping man, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him at his birth.
Her friend said, "Well, he has solved a great mystery for us! Now, he must be rewarded!" So, she took a blue ribbon from her hair, and gently tied it around what nature had provided the Scotsman, and the two walked away.
Some time later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature, and walked around to the other side of the tree to relieve himself. He raised his kilt... and saw where the blue ribbon was tied. After several moments of bewilderment, the Scotsman said... "I donna know where y'been lad... but it's nice ta'know y'won first prize!"
Concerning bagpipes: The Irish invented them and gave them to the Scots as a joke, and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet.
Three Scotswomen, all neighbors, are walking home at night and find a Scotsman passed out partially under a wagon. His upper body is under the wagon, and they can't see who it is. However, they would like to help him get home. The first woman looks under his kilt and says "That's not my husband."
The second woman looks under his kilt and says "That's not my husband, either."
The third woman looks under his kilt and says "Why, he's not even from this village!"
Girl to man in kilt: "Is anything worn under the kilt?"
Man to girl: "No, it's all in perfect working order!"
EDINBURGH (DWPI) -- Following a wave of Scottish nationalism sparked by the movie "Braveheart", Scotland has overwhelmingly decided to form its own parliament separate from that in London. The new parliament's first act was to declare actor Mel Gibson their new King. A parliamentary spokesman, Lord Theodore MacNugent, is quoted as saying, "The prospects in the current royal family don't look too good and let's face it, Mel looks damn good in a kilt!"
MacBeth the Scot
(Sung to the tune of "Mack the Knife")
Oh the Black Knight/has a longsword
And he keeps it/gleaming bright
Just a dagger/has old MacBeth, Dear
But he keeps it/out of sight!
When the Black Knight/strikes with his longsword
Billows of scarlet/start to spread
Fancy gloves wears/old MacBeth, Dear
So there's never/never a trace of red!
In the castle/in the guestroom
Lies a body/oozing light
Someone sneaking/'round the corner
Could that someone/be MacBeth the Scot?
Jenny Diver/Suzie Tawdry
Miss Lottalynnia/old Lucy Brown
Oh that line forms/on the right, Babe
Now that MacBeth/he's back in town!
(Big Finale)
Oh that line forms/on the right, Babe
Now that MacBeth/he's back in town!
(Spoken)
Look out! Old Macky's BACK!!!